The comparison trap

One of the toughest aspects of being a special needs parent is avoiding the comparison trap. If you’re a parent of a kid with special needs, you must have experienced this at some point.

This competition to figure out whose baby is the smartest/ prettiest/ most perfect…hit me real hard one day when I was waiting outside AngelicA's play group class. A group of moms were busy comparing notes on their amazing kids – one of them was telling the rest about how her two year old can recite six nursery rhymes and can identify so many colors and can count to some number… The others chipped in with their own list of feats on what their kids could do. And I just stood there thinking about the fact that my little Angel couldn’t do most of the things that these parents were bragging about. For a few seconds, all the positivity I felt about being a special needs parents was washed away by a twinge of sadness. As expected, my baby was sort of lagging behind the rest and kinda fell short of this 'ideal' that these parents were talking of. Then I reminded myself of the wonderful blessing that she is and I was OK.

It did strike me, though, that dealing with such situations can be even more tough for some special needs parents. Like this mom I met a few weeks ago when I was waiting to see the endocrinologist about Angel's thyroid condition. My little Angel was busy running along an empty corridor and this mom was watching her quite intently. It was then that I realized that the lady’s baby too had Down Syndrome. A little later she came up to me and asked me how old Angel was and at what age did she start walking. I told her that Angel was walking independently by the time she was 18 months old. “My baby is 18 months old and she isn’t walking yet,” she said, her voice quivering and tears running down her cheeks. My heart hit the floor with a sickening thud. And I could feel the tears prick my eyes. My mind searched for the appropriate thing to say but all the words chocked in my throat. So I just reached out and held her hand. And when I did find my voice, I did the only thing I could - I assured her that her baby would do fine and that all would be well.

We are not above comparisons. As a special needs parent, I feel that I am even more vulnerable to making comparisons even though I am all too aware of the futility of it. So what do I do when that insidious comparison bug creeps up to me? Here’s a short list of ideas to stave off the blues.

Look at the bright side. I try (really hard, sometimes) and focus on what makes my journey worthwhile and on all the wonderful things about my baby. It usually works for me.

Remind yourself that everyone has issues. I have yet to come across a person who never ever had anything to worry about. Just reminding myself that other people have stuff to deal with too sometimes puts my own concerns in perspective.

Build a circle of compassionate parent-friends. They will be not just your support system but will also provide you an outlet to vent your feelings without being judgmental.

While on the subject of comparing, here’s an interesting article by Dr Joanne Stern. It’s written for moms, not specifically special needs parents. But it makes some good and relevant points and is worth the read. You might just find something in it for you.

Thanks for reading,
JD

A very special birthday

Recently, I came across this post about birthday parties that tugged at my heart strings. Written by Terri Mauro, a mom who has two children with special needs, it gives a realistic ‘special needs’ parent's perspective on birthday parties. All of us special needs parents know that birthday parties can be a challenge.

My own little angel turned 2 last weekend. For many weeks before her birthday, I debated if we should have a kids’ party for her. To be honest, I was apprehensive. I’m always looking for those little signs that show that she is accepted and liked by other kids and I was anxious about a low turnout. I had almost decided to play it safe and have a nice but low key party with only the immediate family. But somewhere deep down inside, we wanted to do something bigger for our little girl. We wanted to celebrate her and her beautiful life and we wanted to share our joy with others too. We also felt that this was a great opportunity for people to get to know her for who she is.

After a bit of going back and forth, we decided that we would have a nice big birthday bash. Once we made up our minds there was no turning back. All our efforts were then focused on how to make it the best birthday party ever without breaking the bank…okay we did stretch our budget but it was totally worth it.

So here’s what we did:

First, we made a guest list. The list included our extended family and some close friends. We also made sure there would be enough kids at the party so it felt like a kids’ party too.

Second, we tried to include activities that would engage kids and adults and make the party fun.

Cousins Alyssa and Naomi at the birthday party

Since her birthday was on a Sunday, we decided to throw a birthday brunch at our local Holiday Inn. We had about 70 guests and it was perrrrfect beyond my imagination. The hotel had set up a separate Kiddies Zone, where they had a face painter, a magician, a mascot and some activities to entertain the kids. They also had play station set up for the older kids and there was loads of stuff to keep them busy and happy for hours. Without a doubt, the kids had a blast.

The adults had a great time too. There was live music and the food was really good, with many live counters to choose from. The best part was our birthday girl who totally enjoyed herself. She danced with her uncles, gave warm hugs and kisses to whoever held her and basically had everyone falling in love with her. And as everyone gathered around to sing Happy Birthday, I felt tears of joy up in my eyes. I could feel the love. Yes, AngelicA is a very special baby and what better than a very special party to celebrate her. It was a happy, happy day and I am so looking forward to doing it all over again next year. In fact, I plan to invite some of the neighborhood kids as well the next time around.

Here are some thoughts and suggestions to help you host a great birthday party for your child:

Plan well in advance. Give yourself a couple of months to plan for the party. This will give you enough time to consider several options on scale of the party, location, type of party and themes. It’s best to have a theme party for kids – kids love themes and will probably be even more keen to attend. It also gives you an opportunity to try out different ideas and help you put together a really great party.
Be as creative as possible. Try to bring some out of the box thinking to every aspect of the party. The more creative you get with your theme, the greater the chance of kids turning up at the party and having a great time. Make interesting invites. Plan some fun games. Be creative in the décor, have a uniquely designed cake, have snacks that kids love. The idea is to make the party as fun as possible so that kids look forward to coming over again.
Have a balanced guest list of familiar people and some new faces. While putting together your guest list make sure that that at least 70 percent know your child well. That way you can be sure that some people will surely turn up. The other advantage is that when kids who are not familiar with your child see him or her being treated like any other kid, they too might get more comfortable and start accepting your child as an equal.
Include some ice-breaker games. This will to get the kids to mingle and talk to each other. Treasure hunts work well.
Give your child an important role. For instance, you could designate your child to give away all the prizes. The more opportunities the child has to interact with kids individually, the better.
And last, but most importantly, have fun

Here’s one post by a special needs moms that I found quite interesting. It’s full of some great ideas that I will use in the future.

Birthday Parties for Kids with Special Needs: A Special Way to Socialize

Thanks for reading,
JD