The comparison trap

One of the toughest aspects of being a special needs parent is avoiding the comparison trap. If you’re a parent of a kid with special needs, you must have experienced this at some point.

This competition to figure out whose baby is the smartest/ prettiest/ most perfect…hit me real hard one day when I was waiting outside AngelicA's play group class. A group of moms were busy comparing notes on their amazing kids – one of them was telling the rest about how her two year old can recite six nursery rhymes and can identify so many colors and can count to some number… The others chipped in with their own list of feats on what their kids could do. And I just stood there thinking about the fact that my little Angel couldn’t do most of the things that these parents were bragging about. For a few seconds, all the positivity I felt about being a special needs parents was washed away by a twinge of sadness. As expected, my baby was sort of lagging behind the rest and kinda fell short of this 'ideal' that these parents were talking of. Then I reminded myself of the wonderful blessing that she is and I was OK.

It did strike me, though, that dealing with such situations can be even more tough for some special needs parents. Like this mom I met a few weeks ago when I was waiting to see the endocrinologist about Angel's thyroid condition. My little Angel was busy running along an empty corridor and this mom was watching her quite intently. It was then that I realized that the lady’s baby too had Down Syndrome. A little later she came up to me and asked me how old Angel was and at what age did she start walking. I told her that Angel was walking independently by the time she was 18 months old. “My baby is 18 months old and she isn’t walking yet,” she said, her voice quivering and tears running down her cheeks. My heart hit the floor with a sickening thud. And I could feel the tears prick my eyes. My mind searched for the appropriate thing to say but all the words chocked in my throat. So I just reached out and held her hand. And when I did find my voice, I did the only thing I could - I assured her that her baby would do fine and that all would be well.

We are not above comparisons. As a special needs parent, I feel that I am even more vulnerable to making comparisons even though I am all too aware of the futility of it. So what do I do when that insidious comparison bug creeps up to me? Here’s a short list of ideas to stave off the blues.

Look at the bright side. I try (really hard, sometimes) and focus on what makes my journey worthwhile and on all the wonderful things about my baby. It usually works for me.

Remind yourself that everyone has issues. I have yet to come across a person who never ever had anything to worry about. Just reminding myself that other people have stuff to deal with too sometimes puts my own concerns in perspective.

Build a circle of compassionate parent-friends. They will be not just your support system but will also provide you an outlet to vent your feelings without being judgmental.

While on the subject of comparing, here’s an interesting article by Dr Joanne Stern. It’s written for moms, not specifically special needs parents. But it makes some good and relevant points and is worth the read. You might just find something in it for you.

Thanks for reading,
JD